maLe bantu maLe!

There is something wonderful about rain - the way it cools down not only the parched earth, but also frayed tempers.

Specially for city dwellers like me, it is closest you come to Nature in all her splendor. You tend to forget during the long dry spells that you are still a product of Nature and She does indeed dictate life on earth. You are happy travelling in air-conditioned cars & buses, going to air-conditions shops & malls, offices and increasingly these days - homes. So much so that even the heat of Chennai becomes bearable and you push Nature further back in to some inaccessible recess of your consciousness.

It takes a good lashing of rain to remind you of Her. It is only when you first smell the sweat scent and then hear the rain descending from the heavy clouds, drowning out your usual city noises, that you really pause and look out the window. You see for the first time the beauty of the trees outside, how they enjoy being washed of all the dust, how truly lush green they are.

Rain does something else to you also - it tends to bring out the humane side in you - you are more likely to break into a smile at a passer-by - both of you know that you are making the same futile effort to protect yourself against the rain. Strangers at shelter-less  bus stops come together under an umbrella, all the class and caste divides being washed away in the torrent.

You see children stubbornly ignoring their mothers' desperate pleas to not play in the rain, dogs with drenched coats are allowed to stand in under canopies they would not dare to venture into otherwise, pot holes become puddles for children and adults alike to splash through, hot bajjis and pkoras become far tastier, television becomes tasteless compared to the rumbling sound and light show nature has put on, making way for sessions of teasing the young fellow who gets scared at thunder and stories about how roads had become rivers and that your dad got home from office one night long ago was a minor miracle.

Of course, it is a priceless sight when you wake up after a night of rain and sense the strange peace around you in the raindrops glistening on leaf tips, streets that look cleaner than ever and air that feels fresher than ever.

Rain truly is a shower of blessing straight from the heavens.

Into the unknown

Wow! I had forgotten that my last post was a resolve to write more here, and that was four years ago! And an eventful four years, at that.

So much has changed in my life - I got married to a wonderful man, quit a 'secure' job in a big PSU Bank, moved to a city I had sworn I will never step into ever again in my life. None of which I had even dreamed that I will do.

But when I ask myself what was the hardest thing to do - I guess it was quitting my job. Well, I do not miss the insane pressure and resulting sleepless nights that were a staple in the job, but I do miss the structure it gave to my days, I miss meeting people and handling crowds at the branch, answering insane queries of  customers, and that satisfaction you feel when you can really help a customer and she/he gives you a smile and a heartfelt 'thank you' and of course the sms on my phone at the end of the month that my salary has been credited.

Of course I agonized on the decision to quit - tried real hard for a transfer to where my husband was working, took over a year to decide that it is best for both my health and marriage to simply quit. The way I rationalized it was - getting rid of the pressure will be a blessing for my health; I will start yoga and will say a firm goodbye to my RA; I will catch up on reading; I will study further.

I did read a few books, but most of the other stuff has not happened - and I feel like I have lost all confidence in myself.

To begin with,  I landed in Chennai in the peak of summer which was probably too much for my already weak body to handle, so I broke down and got super scared that I will again go back to those insanely-painful-bound to bed-days of RA. That scared the hell out me and made me find a Physiotherapist who knew what he was doing after some hard searching, which did put me back on my aching feet. But, that was where I hit my first surprise - It was not easy for me to depend on my husband for money even for my treatment!!! And that was very surprising because, of course I knew I would be depending on him from now on. Also, he has always been a gentleman about it, and never once said anything, forget grumbling about money. But I was just not prepared to see how much I had been used to earning my own money!

Also, I did not realize how much of physical work it takes to run a house by yourself when you are also responsible for another persons meals. Because, while I have lived on my own and run a house for 4 years while working, I see that it is very different when you are married - even when it is just the two of you minus the in-laws, but more on that later.

All in all, I find myself worrying endlessly that I will just become useless at home (my husband swears his life is so much better since I moved here, but that does not seem to make me feel any better :( ) and will lose both my health and my ability to earn money.

But hey, I have faced a lot of shit in life and come up stronger, so may be I will get through this also. But the thing that scares me in my current situation is - I see clearly that I am my only and biggest obstacle, and personal experience has taught me that the most difficult enemy you can fight is yourself. So, all the best to me in my fight against me! 

It has been over a year since I wrote here, and it has been an exciting journey in the meanwhile! Life never ceases to amaze me, it is constantly new, constantly forcing you to expand your vision, change your perception, transforming your understanding of you - of life!!

When I look back and see my path, I see that I had to tread through thorns and stones so that all that muck I had collected so far was scrubbed away, and I see that I can now see life in all its beauty!

But what I cherish the most are the people I have met this past year - some whom I have never met before but who feel like I have known them since past ages, and some whom I have rediscovered!

Hope to resume writing for myself.....

What is happening??!!

The past week has been really quiet numbing and has made me think and worry about my country and the state of affairs here more than ever before. Seeing the images of the carnage at Mumbai over and over again and listening to the same rhetoric from the same inane, insensitive politicians has made me take on a bleak view of the situation. Maybe these 24 hour news channels must be banned!!!


Even on a serious note, may be it is worth considering banning the live telecast of an ongoing operation - is it not like beaming live to the terrorists exactly what the commandos are doing? This picture of terrorists sitting, switching between news channels & rejoicing at the way they are tripping over themselves to covering their 'triumph' and congratulating themselves for having earned the 72 or whatever number of virgins they will be getting once they reach their jannat in their next heroic jihad keeps coming to mind and leaves me sick.....

The worst of all is the blame game played by politicians, and the callousness that was displayed by the Chief Minister and Home Minister of Maharashtra. Advaniji, unfortunately, did not do any better either. Though I am a staunch supporter of the BJP, I felt very disappointed when Advani blamed the ruling party for incompetence even while saying this is not the time to play blame games, and when an all party meet was called to discuss the situation, did not turn up there, choosing instead to go campaigning elsewhere. This to me shows a certain carelessness, and it is disappointing when it comes from someone who is as respectable as him.

Amidst all this, the people of Mumbai are left to yet again fall back on their spirit and come through - they indeed have, with morning walkers and businesses trudging on with life as usual.

Will our state change ever?? Will the police ever be paid well, freed of political pressure, trained well and armed with more than a lathi to face up to AK 47s?



The answer in all probability is NO.

Memoirs of a Geshia

I recently read Memoirs of a Geshia - it came highly recommended to me by a cousin, and, I had caught a few scenes of the movie and was intrigued enough to try the book. Golden has indeed done a good job, but other than the few instances of writing brilliance, I thought the plot was pretty mundane and to a certain extent predictable. But no doubt, it gives you a fascinating glimpse into the Geshia world. There were many places in the book where I caught myself thinking 'only a woman can be sensitive enough to think like this' and that brought me to a startling realization - most books that I have read, in fact, all books the I've read where I identified with the characters as a woman, were written by men!!! Be it Khaled Husseini, Paulo Coelho, Vikram Seth or S. L. Bhyrappa - I've always felt that no one could understand a woman's emotions better than these guys. That led me to another thought - how have the men that I've met been.

Well, almost all the men I've met have been very very far from the picture that these authors' writing gives. May be these authors are also like all other men except when they write - selfish and self centered. Not to say that all men are selfish rascals, but most men are like this one guy I had the misfortune of meeting. The way he spoke to me about himself and his wife, made me think that he must be the greatest man, and the greatest ever husband that lived on the face of the earth - I mean, what man will take care of a wife stricken with RA, in a city like Chicago, where any domestic help is so exorbitantly costly, and take care of all the cooking, cleaning, shopping et al, and the wife too, and nurse her back to complete recovery over 5 years from a debilitating disease like RA??!! Has to be God!!

And then, the bubble burst - I had the chance to speak to the wife and yes, I was just a fool who reeled in all these fantastic fairy tales! He was just the average selfish a******, worse actually - he was the ultimate hypocrite who beat the poor woman, like her RA wasn't painful enough, and played every controlling mind game in the book until life became unbearable enough for her to do what every woman does - finally, at long last, when it is almost, but not too late, recognise that she is strong, and stand up and have the courage to ignore him and get on with life! And he did what a man like him knows best - try and protect his image of respectability in front of society at all costs, and find himself another woman caring enough and stupid enough to love him and take his tortures!!!

Seriously, I've heard and seen so many such stories in the past year or so, that I wonder if I can still manage to trust a man.....

Environment? Really?!

The recent Amarnath Temple controversy kind of cemented my opinion of what 'secularism' has done to India - enabled the 'minority religions' to basically hold the rest of the country to ransom. For those who may be wondering what I am talking about, it is the controversy over the transfer of land to the Sri Amarnath Shrine Board in order to build temporary structures for the benefit of pilgrims going to the Amarnath Temple - one of the holiest Hindu shrines from time immemorial. Needless to say, the secular forces (read Muslims and those who appease Muslims) won, and the land transfer has been revoked.

This is so shameful and unfair because it is evident double standards. Specially when you consider the fact that some of the groups which opposed the land transfer have said, besides making the claim that erecting temporary structures for pilgrims in the said area will cause damage to the environment, that this was an attempt by 'outsiders' to take over Jammu & Kashmir slowly!!!! Can you really beat that statement?! Is J&K outside of India? Are the thousands of Hindus who make the pilgrimage every year, like they have been for thousands of years, from even before anything called 'Islam' existed in the world, 'outsiders'??!! If you take the true history of India, are not Islam and Muslims outsiders? Have the Hindus not allowed them to settle here and now live in peace and considered them fellow countrymen?

Everyone knows that for a long long time, we have been paying for Nehru's pacifism in going to the UNO with the Kashmir problem, when it was (and still is) a purely internal issue. Since then, there have always been separatists trying to twist the Center's arm into a plebiscite and get J&K out of the Indian Union. This land transfer issue is another incident which shows of the separatist tendencies that has been breading in J&K. Can any Chief Minister, of whatever religion he may be, think of revoking any land transfer to an Islamic shrine? Why should the Amarnath Board be dismantled and the J&K government take over the running of the Amarnath temple when we have a National Haj Board which provides highly subsidized travel to Muslims all the way to Mecca at the expense of crores of rupees of the general public's money?!

And really, if this was really revoked due to concerns for the environment, why did the government dilly-dally so much about the Ram Setu issue? It will clearly have a huge negative impact on the environment if dredging of the Ram Setu is allowed. Even if it is considered that it is a natural formation, it is a very important formation - it supports rich marine life, and acts as a natural barrier in case, God forbid, we have another tsunami. And, yes, Hindus hold it sacred and believe that it was built by Lord Rama who is revered by the entire Hindu community, why not respect that? And, can anyone who saw the images of the protests by these so called lovers of the environment say that they care a hoot for the environment? I don't know of a single true environmentalist who would burn buses and tyres to drive home the importance of protecting the environment!

I hope to see an India where Muslims and Christians and everyone else will be Indians before they are of this or that religion. An India where the Amarnath yatris are also given the facilities and freedom from the fear of getting killed by militants while on the holy trek, as the Haj pilgrims are. Or, if that isn’t possible, where all subsidies for all religions are done away with. Where Hindus will not have to live in fear in their own homeland. Will that happen in my lifetime?

When I get better...!

I started going to yoga recently, to be precise, it has been 2 weeks since I started. And, I am happy to say that I have improved tremendously - specially on my right knee which was really weak, swollen and painful to walk on - now, I can walk so well, almost totally normal and even I am surprised at how fast it has got better! The credit really does go to my Yoga Master, Sri S. N. Omkar - the confidence he gives me with his smile and the easy way with which he chides and pokes fun at all of us who go to him in pain and invariable makes us laugh and forget our pain!

So, now, I am bold enough to dream and actually confident enough to think it can come true!
Here goes the list of things I want to do when I get all my joints back in proper condition -

• RUN!!!! I miss being able to run! I want to run on the beach, run to catch a bus, run with Sheeba following close on my heals, just RUN!!!!!!
• Play my veena again.
• Go trekking in the Himalayas
• Pick up a child and fondle it.
• play rough and tumble with my neices and nephews
• Play badminton like I used to with powerful shots!
• Sky dive!!!
• Scrub the house clean like I've never done before
• Jump compound walls and climb trees!
• Swim...

Oh! And I'm sure I'll come up with lots more that I want to do!

No more blinking lights...

There will be no more blinking lights flying in the night sky which I can watch from our living room window. It was a sight that I loved watching, I don't know why.
Yes, those lights were of the airplanes flying in and out of HAL Airport, Bangalore which was closed down recently after the new Devanahalli airport started operations.

I think I will miss the HAL airport. I have some sweet memories of it, and some memories which have turned bitter, but I will miss it. I still remember the days when I was working for HP which was right next to the airport and seeing huge jets landing and taking off from the window by my work station - I remeber the exhilratating feeling of being so close to such a powerful machine!

But, I guess I do kind of look forward to seeing the swanky new airport when my sister will next visit us! :)

Kindness of strangers

Last evening, my parents picked me up from my aunt's place where I had spent the two previous days on a brief visit. They wanted to take me to shop for new clothes for my cousin's wedding coming up shortly. I was not interested in it. While I am generally never interested in buying clothes, these days since my RA has become obviously crippling, I am not interested in going to big gatherings where I will find a million people asking me why I limp and offer me various, almost miraculous 'cures' when I tell them it is because I have arthritis. The worst is when old aunties say "my God, such a young girl with arthritis! It is because you don't eat, see how thin you are!!!" I feel like wringing their necks!

I guess I side tracked!

Anyway, when my parents said it was for their happiness that they wanted to buy me clothes, and put their foot down, I relented.We went to a huge new clothes store in Jayanagar 4th block. The good evening started when the door man held open the door for me with a smile and let me take my own time getting in. Then, the salesman who helped us - Karunakaran! He was so patient while pulling out all the dress materials that amma and I kept pointing to. But, among themselves, I could notice that the salesmen were commenting to each other softly in Telugu about customers who just drove them crazy making them pull clothes out and not even buying anything. At one time, after amma and I had made him pull out some 4-5 sets and were going through them, he stepped a little away from us, faced the racks of clothes and sent out an animated prayer to the clothes!!! I was very amused though I did feel like maybe he sees me too as one of those annoying customers! When he turned back to us, I asked him smilingly if he was fed up with us. He said "No Madam, I have no trouble helping you, but there are others who do drive us crazy!" Anyway, we did narrow down to 3 sets, and I said I'll only buy 2 as it was quiet expensive. So, Karunakar said, "Take all three! All are beautiful materials!" So, I joked to him saying I don't mind if he'll give a deal of 'buy two get one free'. He said, "of course! I never spoke of the bill! Take all three, I'll bill the third to my account and think I gave a gift to my sister". That took my breath away for a minute. He was very sincere about it. I said thank you, but bought only two. I was really touched.

But, something more sweet and humane happened as I stepped back outside.

We were waiting on the pavement for my father to get the car round. I saw a tree by the road in full bloom, celebrating spring. It was aflame with beautiful lavender coloured flowers. I could not help but go over and try and pluck one flower to have a closer look. Once I started towards the tree I noticed that there was a young boy of 15 or 16 who was selling jackfruit standing with his cart under the tree. While going to the tree, a girl on her moped stopped beside me and the girl riding pillion got off right on me!!! It was as if they had not seen me right in front of them! I called out to her saying 'watch out!' there was no way I could be fast enough to move away in time and avoid falling down. It really did anger me and I said "really, I've had cows who have been more sensitive to me!" And, they indeed have been! Anyway, I forgot about the two girls as fast as all this had happened. I went to the tree and reached for the nearest flower, found that it was too tough for me to pluck, but with difficulty could manage one. It was beautiful! As I stood admiring it, the young jack-fruit seller gave me a whole bunch he had plucked for me! I could not believe it! I could only manage a "thank you" and a smile from which I hoped he would see that his gesture meant a lot to me. He smiled back and nodded as if to say "I understand, and I'm happy to see you smile". Appa came round, I got in, and from the car window again looked up at him and smiled, he nodded and gave a reassuring smile.

Really, the world is full of kind strangers!

Amma is driving!!!

Well, yes, you could say "What is the big deal?! Lots of women drive!"

But, it is a big deal! I'll tell you why - My amma is 54, not an age when most Indian women will work up the enthusiasm, much less the nerve to learn driving a car and actually do drive on the chaos that passes off for roads in Bangalore. And, the other major thing is that she has never ridden anything in traffic before, if you don't count the one time she tried handling my Scooty with me sitting pillion and drove us right into a ditch! I guess the last 'vehicle' she drove/rode with any degree of comfort was a bicycle when she was a little girl.

So, I am extremely proud of my amma!

But, that is not the only reason for this post. You see, this driving a car is not just driving for her. I can see that she comes alive, she feels good that she is still capable of challenging herself and winning - it makes her feel that she has, after all, not lost her edge after her voluntary retierment from a job she loved. And she feels great that she did it inspite of Appa being very very skeptical about her being able to pull it off.
And, I guess, it means the world to me when after a safe ride to our destination and back home, she hugs me, plants a kiss on my cheek and says that she could do it because I was there by her every time she practiced driving, reminding her that she can do it and guiding her along!

Just a little joy that I could give to my Amma who does soooooooooo much for me each and every day!