maLe bantu maLe!

There is something wonderful about rain - the way it cools down not only the parched earth, but also frayed tempers.

Specially for city dwellers like me, it is closest you come to Nature in all her splendor. You tend to forget during the long dry spells that you are still a product of Nature and She does indeed dictate life on earth. You are happy travelling in air-conditioned cars & buses, going to air-conditions shops & malls, offices and increasingly these days - homes. So much so that even the heat of Chennai becomes bearable and you push Nature further back in to some inaccessible recess of your consciousness.

It takes a good lashing of rain to remind you of Her. It is only when you first smell the sweat scent and then hear the rain descending from the heavy clouds, drowning out your usual city noises, that you really pause and look out the window. You see for the first time the beauty of the trees outside, how they enjoy being washed of all the dust, how truly lush green they are.

Rain does something else to you also - it tends to bring out the humane side in you - you are more likely to break into a smile at a passer-by - both of you know that you are making the same futile effort to protect yourself against the rain. Strangers at shelter-less  bus stops come together under an umbrella, all the class and caste divides being washed away in the torrent.

You see children stubbornly ignoring their mothers' desperate pleas to not play in the rain, dogs with drenched coats are allowed to stand in under canopies they would not dare to venture into otherwise, pot holes become puddles for children and adults alike to splash through, hot bajjis and pkoras become far tastier, television becomes tasteless compared to the rumbling sound and light show nature has put on, making way for sessions of teasing the young fellow who gets scared at thunder and stories about how roads had become rivers and that your dad got home from office one night long ago was a minor miracle.

Of course, it is a priceless sight when you wake up after a night of rain and sense the strange peace around you in the raindrops glistening on leaf tips, streets that look cleaner than ever and air that feels fresher than ever.

Rain truly is a shower of blessing straight from the heavens.

Into the unknown

Wow! I had forgotten that my last post was a resolve to write more here, and that was four years ago! And an eventful four years, at that.

So much has changed in my life - I got married to a wonderful man, quit a 'secure' job in a big PSU Bank, moved to a city I had sworn I will never step into ever again in my life. None of which I had even dreamed that I will do.

But when I ask myself what was the hardest thing to do - I guess it was quitting my job. Well, I do not miss the insane pressure and resulting sleepless nights that were a staple in the job, but I do miss the structure it gave to my days, I miss meeting people and handling crowds at the branch, answering insane queries of  customers, and that satisfaction you feel when you can really help a customer and she/he gives you a smile and a heartfelt 'thank you' and of course the sms on my phone at the end of the month that my salary has been credited.

Of course I agonized on the decision to quit - tried real hard for a transfer to where my husband was working, took over a year to decide that it is best for both my health and marriage to simply quit. The way I rationalized it was - getting rid of the pressure will be a blessing for my health; I will start yoga and will say a firm goodbye to my RA; I will catch up on reading; I will study further.

I did read a few books, but most of the other stuff has not happened - and I feel like I have lost all confidence in myself.

To begin with,  I landed in Chennai in the peak of summer which was probably too much for my already weak body to handle, so I broke down and got super scared that I will again go back to those insanely-painful-bound to bed-days of RA. That scared the hell out me and made me find a Physiotherapist who knew what he was doing after some hard searching, which did put me back on my aching feet. But, that was where I hit my first surprise - It was not easy for me to depend on my husband for money even for my treatment!!! And that was very surprising because, of course I knew I would be depending on him from now on. Also, he has always been a gentleman about it, and never once said anything, forget grumbling about money. But I was just not prepared to see how much I had been used to earning my own money!

Also, I did not realize how much of physical work it takes to run a house by yourself when you are also responsible for another persons meals. Because, while I have lived on my own and run a house for 4 years while working, I see that it is very different when you are married - even when it is just the two of you minus the in-laws, but more on that later.

All in all, I find myself worrying endlessly that I will just become useless at home (my husband swears his life is so much better since I moved here, but that does not seem to make me feel any better :( ) and will lose both my health and my ability to earn money.

But hey, I have faced a lot of shit in life and come up stronger, so may be I will get through this also. But the thing that scares me in my current situation is - I see clearly that I am my only and biggest obstacle, and personal experience has taught me that the most difficult enemy you can fight is yourself. So, all the best to me in my fight against me!